Saturday, October 5, 2013

There was a hole in my bucket...

What's at the top of your bucket list?

I never had a bucket list until my birthday last year.  I turned 30 and suddenly I realized that I had spent my entire adult life being a mom and a wife and hadn't spent a whole lot of time being me. Granted "me" was a mom and a wife at that point, but I knew that when PJ was grown and gone that wasn't ALL I wanted to be. There was a huge hole in my bucket and the real Rachel was slowing seeping out of the hole and turning into someone I didn't recognize or want to be. So on my 30th birthday I stared a bucket list.

My bucket list consisted of about 5 things:
Get a degree in something.
Learn to knit.
Go wine tasting.
Go ziplining.
Spend a month in a foreign country.

Almost a year later I have done exactly none of those things. They're certainly still on my list, and I did start the process of getting a degree, but I haven't actually crossed anything off.  Which is okay.

This year was a year of change, I think that turning 30 and starting my list made me realize that I wasn't happy with the way my life was shaping up in general.  So rather than crossing things off of my physical list I made some major life changes, like getting divorced and living on my own, so that I could get back to who Rachel is.  In the process of finding myself this past year I certainly have added to my bucket list.  I even have a board called bucket on Pinterest.  Most of the board consists of picture of Italy, I think that's probably where I'll spend my month someday, then I can cross that little item off.  Hopefully I don't have to wait until that trip to go wine tasting :-)

This past year I did realize that it's impossible to cross things off of your list if you are constantly making other people happy and overlooking the things that you want.  I realized that you have to surround yourself with unselfish people who care about your happiness as much as their own.  I learned that a positive, happy relationship is about compromising so that you can both be the best, happiest people possible.  I learned that being a mom is the most important thing I do on a daily basis but it doesn't have to be the only thing I do. I'm still learning how to calm the fuck down, I may not have perfected this but I have certainly improved. And I learned that person that I want to be with is someone who shuts down all the anxieties and insecurities in my head rather than making them worse.

Thinking about my progress over the last year, heck even just the last six months, I realize that these things are way more important than crossing off the actual items on my list and that as long as I don't lose sight of Rachel again, everything is going to be amazing.

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