Wednesday, November 27, 2013

If This Isn't Nice, I Don't Know What Is

Something weird has been happening the last few days.  I have been unequivocally, ridiculously happy.  Now there are all sorts of reasons for this and this post is not going to be about those reasons.  This one is going to be about not taking things for granted. About not becoming complacent. About how good it feels to do stuff for someone who does things for you.

I have been a in a couple of relationships where I felt like I put forth a huge amount of time and effort and energy and had none of that same energy put back in to me.  I always felt drained and taken for granted. But what if it went both ways?  Don't get me wrong, I know that it didn't always.  But what if the breakdown happened in part because I became so used to having certain things done for me that I didn't appreciate them anymore?  And vice versa.  That lead to both people feeling like they are being taken for granted which lead to anger and animosity and it was all just a vicious cycle.

This could happen in any type of relationship.  I always expect my mom to have the ability to feed me if just randomly decide to show up at her house.  She does always feed me.  But does she know how happy it makes me to know that I can do just that?  Does she think I take it for granted? Do I show my appreciation often enough? Well enough?

That is where the breakdown happens.  In the not feeling appreciated.  My goal is to not let it happen anymore.  There is so much joy to be found in the little things.   Not just the little things that are done for you every day but also in the little things that you do for other people.  The small things that make them happy. Like start a load of laundry or sit on the floor when there isn't room for both of you on the sofa. Do the dishes when you know they hate doing dishes. Plan what to eat for dinner. Make coffee while you're in the shower so that you don't have to wait a second longer to drink it once you get out :-)

Don't be complacent.  Recognize and acknowledge the little things. Say "Please" and "Thank You" and "I Love You". Those are the words that matter.  Those are the important things.  Big gestures are great but they are short lived.  It's the little every day gestures and words that make you feel loved.

It's funny, people say you don't know what you have until it's gone. That works in reverse too.  You don't know what you were missing until you finally have it. Now that I have it I'm never going to take it for granted again.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

My Favorite Album. No Judging...

A song off of your favorite album...

I have been remiss in my blogging for the last week.  It's been super busy at work and at home and I just haven't had time.  Also, I'm kind of tired of this music blog.  I'm not sure what I'm going to blog about when I'm all finished with it but I'm definitely going to cut it short of the 30 days that it is supposed to be.

There isn't a whole lot left.  A couple of them are songs that I can or wish I could play on a musical instrument.  Since I can't play a musical instrument those are automatically out.  The closest I come to playing any music is when I turn on the stereo.

A song that I hate... Taylor Swift "22" is the worst song ever.  Makes me feel super old.

Actually, Taylor, even when I was 22 I didn't feel 22. Thanks.

A band I hate? AC/DC easily.

Yeah, I even hate this song. 

A song that describes me?  I have no idea.  This is one that I wish I could write but I can't think of any songs the describe me so... that's out.

The thing is that I don't want to write about things that I don't like.  In my quest to be a happier more positive person I am going to just boycott the negative blog posts and move on to something different and better.

Before I do though I am going to talk about my favorite album.

I am the first one to admit that there is no way Jagged Edge "JE Heartbreak" is my actually my favorite album.  I would be hard pressed to name an actual favorite because I just don't pick favorites very well. However this is the first album that popped into my head.  At no point since this album came out in 2000 have I not had it in my car. I guess technically right now it's on my phone, but since my phone is always in my car with me it's still in my car. Please don't judge me...

I'm not sure what it is about the particular Jagged Edge album, or about Jagged Edge in general, but I sure do love it and them.  I can listen to the whole thing from start to finish, sing along with all the words and just be happy.  I also think it has a lot to do with the fact that this particular album runs the gambit when it comes to emotions.  Break up songs, "I love you more than anything else ever" songs, "let's get married" songs, "he's not good enough for you" songs.  It's just great.  Whenever I am at a loss for what I want to listen to this is the album that just get's put in.

I'll admit that now that I have the ability to listen to Pandora and Google Music in my car JE Hearbreak doesn't get the play time that it used to get.  But every once in awhile I'll get a wild hair and put it on. Actually I think I'll do that right now.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

As Easy As Knowing All The Words To Your Old Favorite Song

A song you know all the words to...

Here's the thing.  I know all of the words to most songs.  Songs I don't know all of the words to I know most of the words to.  There a very few songs I don't know at least some of the words to.  If the music is new I only have to hear the song two or three times before I have it most of the way memorized. Whether I want to or not.  Justin Bieber "As Long As You Love Me" comes to mind as a song I didn't particularly want to know the words to but do anyway.

I've always listened to music and memorized songs.  I used to sit on the sofa with earphones on, listening to music and singing.  My mom has told me that I used to sing with said earphones on and since I couldn't hear myself it was particularly awful.

Yep. That's me :-)

I do believe that I acquired my skill of learning and retaining song lyrics from my mom.  She and I have been known to randomly burst into song (this happens pretty much every time we're in the same space for longer than an hour).  Oftentimes the same song, at the same time, just because someone said something that reminded us of whatever song we are singing.  The other  night I said that I had a hole in my pocket and we both started singing "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza".  We just can't help it.

My dad on the other hand can't remember the lyrics to songs for anything.  Unfortunately PJ takes after him. A lot of times Mom and I have to help them with lyrics.  And even if we correct them or help them through, the next time they get to the chorus they have already forgotten what we told them the lyrics were.  Dad's saving grace is that he can play almost any musical instrument that he wants to. Which in my mind makes up for the fact that he can't remember lyrics. Ever.

I don't know how I can remember every song I've ever listened to for the past 20 years but I can't remember to put my garbage out at night. I'm just a lyrics girl. I Google song lyrics daily, usually multiple times a day.  I know I've said it before but there is nothing like a good song and good song lyrics. I have always said that if I could wish one skill on myself, it would be the ability to sing.  Because although I sing loud, often, I probably shouldn't do it where other people can hear me.  Seriously, if I sing in front of you, I am trusting you to not make fun of me.  Please don't betray that trust.

The only thing better than actually being able to sing might be being able to write an amazing song.  Maybe I should try it. Oh wait, I think I need to know how to read music to  make that happen.  Well, one thing at a time.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A Life Perfect Ain't Perfect If You Don't Know What The Struggle's For

A song you listen to when your sad...

Yesterday I was talking to Ashley about how I didn't think I had any songs that I listened to when I was sad. I was REALLY wrong.  I started to really ponder and realized that I have a whole slew of songs I listen to when I'm sad or having a bad day. These songs aren't the ones that are going to make me feel better and lift me up.  These are the songs that are going to make me cry so I can CTFD and get over it.  Sometimes listening to that kind of song once makes things better and sometimes you have to listen to the same one on repeat to get out of your funk, or not.  I give myself permission to be in a funk that I just can't get out of occasionally.  I am desperately striving to be a more positive person so if I do end up in a little personal "woe is me" bubble I do try pretty hard to get out quickly.  Most of the time the only way for me to do that is to put on some music.

The most recent addition to my collection of sad day songs is Taylor Swift "Come Back, Be Here".  It's really sad and all the talk about how unfair things are speaks to my inner sad. Of course it's Taylor Swift, one of the people I hate to love.

Another song that I know I listen to when I'm sad is Sara Bareilles "Gravity". This song isn't just about a person to me, it can be a about a feeling or something you don't want to do but you can't help.  It can really be about anything you want it to be about.  It's the perfect sad song.

Then there is Jeniva Magness "You Were Never Mine".  First off, this song is amazing is the most awesome bluesy kind of way, whether you are sad or not.  But it's still pretty darn sad.

The one song I do listen to when I am sad that is uplifting is Alicia Keyes "Lesson Learned".  I don't just listen to this one, I sing it, at the top of my lungs.  More than once.

So, obviously I can't choose just one sad song.  And now that I've listened to all of these I am almost out of the funk that I woke up in this morning after a very restless night.  One more time through should do the trick.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Just Hold On...

A song that helps you be calm...

The first time I heard Drake "Hold On We're Going Home" I was in the car on the way to the zoo and I didn't know it was Drake.  I was shocked.  I heard a interview with him later where he said he was going for a classic sound.  A song that someone could listen to and remember the way it made them feel forever. He accomplished that with this song.  At least for me. 

It's weird to me that any Drake song can calm me down but this one does.  When my anxiety acts up I turn on this song and instantly feel better. I'm a bit of a control freak and the idea of someone else, for just a minute, taking over, is calming to me.  I couldn't relinquish a lot of control for too long.  It goes against everything in me. I can take care of myself.  But to know that I just needed to hold on because someone else was going to take care of everything, even if it's just long enough to get me home, is awesome.  

Plus, I'm a good girl and we know it :-)

Friday, November 15, 2013

When I Met You Last Night Baby, Before I Blew Your Mind

A song you can dance to...

Here's the thing.  I don't dance.  I suppose if I'm time traveling drunk you might be able to convince me it's a good idea.  If I'm at a wedding and I can play dance with the kids or if it's a slow song and all I have to do is sway to the music.  I'll dance in my own apartment if I'm all alone. Heck I guess I'll even dance in front of other people as long as I know they aren't going to make fun of me, and I'm not in public.  But the likelihood that you will ever get me in a club, on a dance floor, is slim to none.

I used to dance.  I would dance at school dances.  Heck I was a cheerleader and we did choreographed dances in front of the whole school.  When I was in 5th grade I did a choreographed dance to "Whomp There It Is" that I think I still know some of the moves to.  However, one year on our birthday Mi'Cole and I went out dancing and drinking and I drunkenly fell on the dance floor.  That pretty much stopped all public dancing. I am now scarred for life.

When I dance I also feel like quite the white girl.  I am super self-conscious and just don't feel like I can get my hips and ass to move the way I want them too.  Oh, yeah, and then what do I do with my arms? It's just all a great big ball of second guessing and anxiety, so I don't do it.

However, there is one song that Mi'Cole and I dubbed our "stripper song" way back in 1999.  This song came out our senior year in high school and we both decided that if we were ever going to perform a strip tease for someone it would be to this song.  Heck, I don't know, maybe she has.  I haven't, because I don't dance, but if I did, I can guarantee that this song would be it.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Is It Weird That I Have My Funeral Planned?

A song that you want played at your funeral....

It's so weird that it's so much easier for me to blog about my funeral than it is for me to blog about a wedding.  I guess it kinda makes sense when you consider I've had two weddings and am still dealing with the fallout from those, but I'll only have one funeral and I won't even be there for it :-)

I really do have an idea of what I want my funeral to be.  I want to be cremated (but donate any salvageable organs to science first please) and then I want everyone to be outside wearing happy bright colors, listening to loud great music and drinking.  I want a party.  Let's put the FUN in FUNeral.  Seriously.

I understand that the point of a funeral is for the people who are left to have a chance to say goodbye and grieve.  Blah, blah,  blah great.  Do all of that.  Listen to this sad song (the Garth Brooks version, which isn't on YouTube), that is really about love and not about death, or maybe a little of both.  Then take a shot of whiskey, sip on some Merlot and remember how much fun I was.

Oh, yeah... when you're all done, take my ashes to a warm beach and toss them in the ocean.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

A Song You Want Played at Your Wedding.... Wait, What!?

A song you want played at your wedding...

Hmmm... haven't I already done that twice?

I suppose, if we're speaking hypothetically, I could come up with a song or two I'd like played...

Or maybe if someone asked me to create a wedding playlist for them...

Or if someone sent an RSVP to their wedding asking that the guests each request a song...

Or maybe just a song I would like to hear played during a movie wedding...

Or maybe a song that had a wedding in the video....

How about a song that has the word wedding in it...

Alright, who am I kidding?  Being the hopeless romantic and lover of (other peoples) weddings that I am I can't help but think "Oh, that would be the perfect wedding song" when I hear an amazing, romantic song. That actually happened the other day.  John Legend has a new song called "All of Me" that was meant to be played at weddings.  It's awesome, even if you aren't getting married.  Every person on the planet wants someone to tell them that they love all their "perfect imperfections".  Plus, there's not a whole lot of things that are sexier than a song played entirely on the piano.

So if you're thinking of getting married, you're welcome.  I have provided you with the perfect song.

Um... all of this wedding talk is giving me anxiety.  I can't breathe and I think I'm breaking out in hives. Where's the whiskey?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

She Like My Sexy Cool Mama

A song that makes you happy...

When I was pregnant with PJ I drove A LOT.  I lived in Vancouver, worked in John's Landing, was planning a wedding and spending a lot of time at my moms house.  I also got to be about the size of a house when I was pregnant.  I think I gained a little over 60 pounds.  It got to the point where I barely fit behind the steering wheel of my little Subaru Impreza.

This is me 8 months pregnant.  I was bigger by the time I was done.
Hard to believe this was 10 years ago. 

I loved that car.  It didn't bother me to drive all the time because it was so fun to drive. It was little and blue and it zipped around.  Unfortunately, a rear facing car seat didn't fit in the back so I had to get rid of it.  Out of all of the cars that I've ever had that one was probably my favorite.

Of course this is the only picture I can find.

Anyway, Baby Bash - Suga Suga was really popular when I was pregnant.  It was a fun song and it came on the radio all of the time.  I really liked it and I listened to it really loud.  There came a point where PJ would "dance" when it came on.  I remember the first time I realized that is what he was doing.  I don't know if he could feel the vibration or if he could actually hear it but every time it came on the radio it was like he woke up in there and started moving around and he didn't do it for any other song.

Now when it comes on the radio at random it always makes me really happy.  PJ hates it when I say that it's "his" song and claims that he doesn't like it.  I think he's just being a contrary nine-year-old.  I don't care what he says, it will always be his song and reminds me that he has always had quite the personality, even in utero.

Monday, November 11, 2013

I Hoped You Were Coming Home to Stay

A song that reminds you of someone...

There are a lot of songs that remind me of people.  How could there not be?  That's what makes music so great, it can remind you of people and places and things in a way that nothing else can.  

When I first saw this topic I thought of one song and one person.  Kid Rock - Picture has always reminded of Josh, my first love, my favorite "what if" and my right now.  I was shocked when I realized that it's been 12 years since this song was released, but I guess it makes sense.  12 years ago he was halfway around the world, we were both with other people, and still, all I really wanted was for him to come home.   When he did come home, and I would see him, it was always a shock and always screwed me up, a little bit for a little while.  

This song has so much meaning for me that it's hard to write about it.  The lyrics speak for themselves.  And although neither of us is waking up next to anyone else anymore, and there is no need to hide any pictures, one line still rings true. 

I just called to say I love you.  Come back home.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Guilt Isn't Always Rational

A song that makes you feel guilty...

This post is going to be hard to write.  I already know it.  I've been amping up for this one for days.  This is going to be more about not feeling guilty anymore than about the song that makes me feel guilty.  

The song that makes me feel guilty is Eminem - Love the Way You Lie.  I have a hard time even listening to this song in most cases.  The Skylar Grey version doesn't bother me.  Neither does the Part 2 version that Rhianna sings.  

I used this Eminem song to justify an unhealthy relationship and romanticize it for a really long time. Years. I'm not sure why.  I guess I figured if someone could sing about my relationship it made it all be okay.  The line "Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems.  Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano" makes a fucked up relationship seem justified.  

Anyway, the point is I'm really tired about feeling guilty about it.  I carry around a lot of guilt for a lot of things.  It's really easy for people to make me feel guilty for something.  And it was even easier for X2 (that's what I'm going to start calling ex-husband #2. We all know who he is but it seems wrong to use his name) to make me feel guilty.  It's a bad habit I'm trying to break.  Seriously you would think I was Catholic.

I feel guilty for staying in an unhealthy relationship.

I feel guilty for allowing myself to be in an unhealthy relationship in the first place.  

I feel guilty for letting someone else have enough control over me and my emotions that I justified this unhealthy relationship. 

I need to forgive myself and move on. 

This seems really weird and out of the blue.  I have spent so much time being angry at X2 that I didn't realize that I was mad at myself.  Earlier this week I had to see X2.  I had some stuff of his and he had some stuff of mine and we needed to trade.  We met at Dutch Bros., they know me there. It was actually good, we talked about the kids and about work for a little bit and then we went our separate ways.

I realized while I was there that I wasn't mad at him anymore.  That I had grown enough as a person that he didn't have any power or control over me.  Something I'm not sure I would have realized if we hadn't met face to face.  I've forgiven him for all of the shit.  I have to forgive him for my own well being.  There is no point in hanging on to the animosity and anger that I have had toward him, not just since I left 6 months ago, but for the past few years.  It isn't healthy. 

What I need to work on is forgiving myself. The guilt that I carry around for allowing all of that shit to happen in the first place is something that I need to let go of.  If I can forgive him and let all that anger go, I should be able to forgive myself.

Forgiving yourself is harder though. It all comes back to expectations and disappointments.  When you think you are a strong independent person and then you look back on the last six years of your life and realize you were deluding yourself you can't help but be disappointed.  You can't help but be angry.  And that anger is directed inward.  Not just that, but you start to question and second guess every decision you make.  How do you get to the point that you can trust your decision making skills ever again?

It's a process.  And it's long and hard.  You just have to make sure that you learned from your mistakes.  And you have to make sure that you don't make the same mistakes again.  It's a process.  One that I feel confident I am working through.  I'm not there yet.  Trust takes years to gain and seconds to lose, especially when it comes to trusting yourself.  But I'm working on it.  I think the next step is probably listening to that stupid song without feeling guilty.

I'm working on it. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

The Reason I Hold On, Cuz I Need This Hole Gone

A Song That You Hear Often on the Radio, and Don't Mind -

Rihanna - Stay is one song that I could hear over and over and over and never get tired of hearing it.  It comes on the radio all the time, on many different stations and it doesn't seem to matter how many times I hear it in a day I don't mind hearing it again.

I heard somewhere that this song was voted the number one break up song of the year.  I have never thought of it as a break up song.  To me it's about two people who don't want to be in love but are and are trying to come to terms with it.  I think that is what the whole "not really sure how I feel about it" line comes in.  I don't want to feel this way, but I do, and since you are helping to fix me and I'm fixing you, you may as well stick around. Even if we don't really like it :-)

Regardless of how you interpret the song, if you think it's a break up song, or if you think it's a song about not wanting to be in love, it's still a great song.  Even though it has been played out over the past year I still just can't get enough of it.

I stumbled across Demi Lovato covering this song and fell in love with her version too. It's goose bump good and worth listening to.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Too Young Too Dumb To Realize

A song you used to love but now you hate...

I used to love Bruno Mars "When I Was Your Man".  Like, REALLY loved it. Knew all the words, downloaded the whole Unorthodox Jukebox album and listened to it repeatedly, all for that one song.  Then one day I woke up and HATED it!

That this song isn't going to get the girl back

If that song comes on the radio I change the station, if by accident it shuffles to that song when I'm listening to Pandora or Google Music I skip it, even if it means having to listen to commercials.  I really hate that song.

I guess maybe it has something to do with what was going on in my life at the height of it's popularity.  I was married to a man who took me for granted for no good reason and really, isn't that what this entire song is about?  Over and over and over.

Good ol' Bruno is right. He should have bought her flowers and held her hand and spent time with her and took her out.  And he's also right that he is an idiot and he's the reason she's gone. But if he thinks for one second that she cares whether or not he regrets these things or that she needs his blessing to be happy with someone else, he is delusional. Of course she found someone that was going to do all the things for her that he didn't. Why would she EVER settle for less than what she wanted ever again?

Hind sight is 20/20 and for whatever reason this particular look into the past just annoys the hell out of me.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

No Need To Be a Player or a Superstar

I've been struggling to come up with topics to blog about.  I'm not sure why my creative juices quit flowing but not doing a blog challenge has been difficult, so I found a new one.  Each day you write about a song that falls into a specific category. If you don't remember I have a little music and lyric obsession, as blogged about here, so I thought 30 days of 30 different songs would be fun and challenging, since I have such a hard time making decisions.

Today's song is a song that no one would expect you to love.

"Fuck My Car" is definitely my favorite Too Short song. And when people learn that I not only love this song, but that I also know all the words, they are shocked.

The first time I ever heard this song I was riding in my boyfriends Honda Civic.  I'm pretty sure I was 15 and I loved it (the Civic and the song). Which lead to me loving Too Short in general.  But I've always had a thing for this song specifically.

This past summer I was out with a couple of girl friends and my guy friend Mike.  We had gone to a bar and I was driving all of us to our respective homes.  It was  hot and summery and one of those nights where you want to roll down the windows and listen to good hip-hop.  So I put on this song and proceeded to sing along.  Every word, for the entire song.  The look of shock and disbelief on Mike's face was priceless.

I guess if you knew me in my teenage years the fact that I like this song so much may not surprise you.  But to people who have only known me as a mom and an adult there is a certain shock factor that goes along with hearing me rap "She ain't trippin' on you, she'd rather fuck your car."

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Why Are Girls Dumb?

Being who I am, I don't feel like I can miss the opportunity to post about why girls are dumb when I posted about boys being idiots last week. If you missed the Why Are Boys Idiots? blog you can find it here.

Keep in mind that I am not excluding myself from the girls are dumb post by any means.  I do dumb girly things all the time, and I hate it.  Part of being a girl is being an emotional idiot sometimes.  Which sucks and makes me mad.  If I could just have a little more control over the emotional idiot in me I would be a much happier person.  I wouldn't find myself saying that I'm being a stupid girl nearly as often as I do. 

This, however, is not my number one reason girls are dumb.  Girls are dumb because they dislike other girls for no reason, or for a reason that was valid 10 years ago.  If it didn't happen this decade it's probably not worth holding on to.  

The mail lady at work doesn't like me.  I never did anything to her, except expect her to do her job.  I was even nice when I asked her to do her job right.  She doesn't like me.  Won't say one word to be when she comes in the office but is super nice to everyone else.  If the mail lady was a mail dude this wouldn't be happening. The mail dude would shrug it off and move on and all would be well in the mail room.  When it comes to girls that isn't the case.  Girl's can't let shit go.  Ever. 

I'll admit that there may be a girl or two that I don't like just on principle.  I've never met or spoken to these girls and I just flat out don't like them.  It's not rational, or reasonable, but it's the truth.  I actually was around one of those girls in a bar a couple of weeks ago.  Keep in mind, there is no reason for this girl to think, know or suspect I dislike her.  It's a completely dumb girl dislike, and as far as I know one sided.  This girl leaned against me to talk to the bartender.  All I could think was how much I wanted to punch her in the face.  I suppose I may be delusional, and she may know that I dislike her, and leaned against me on purpose to see what I would do, but probably not.  The combination of my intense dislike (toward someone I don't even know) and my "stay the fuck out of my bubble" issues just about send me over the edge.  See, girls are dumb.   

The other reason this whole dislike thing is dumb is because it really bothers me when girls that don't know me, dislike me.  Total double standard I know.  I think that the reason it bothers me so much is because I at least know that my dislike toward people I don't know is completely ridiculous, whereas a lot of girls think it's normal.  It's not normal to dislike someone you don't know.  Even if we all do it.  

Girls are also dumb because we always jump to the worst conclusion ever.  No matter what the situation the emotional idiot in us manages to take control and make everything ten times worse then it actually is. Which is a topic so extensive I think I'll save it for a different blog. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I Don't Know What I Think Until I Read What I Say

Yesterday I decided that I was going to purge some stuff.  That's why there was no blog post, I was knee deep in Christmas stuff, middle and high school stuff and all the half empty bottles of goo from under my bathroom sink.  It was a very productive day and I cleaned out a lot of crap.  I'm kinda sad I'm done. I'm thinking about tackling PJ's room next.  There is something about getting rid of stuff you don't need that is almost like therapy.

Anyway, as I was going through the three boxes of crap that I had from middle school and high school, plus the million cards that I had from PJ's baby shower and birthdays and whatever other holidays were mixed in, I realized a couple of things. The first is that I save too much crap.  The second is that I used to write all of the time.

When I started this blog I couldn't figure out why I didn't start writing a blog sooner than I did.  What I didn't remember is how much I used to write.  I found entire notebooks of original poetry, song lyrics that I wanted to remember, quotes.  I forget that I actually had a poem published in an anthology of poetry.

I found about six journals spanning from 6th grade to 12th grade.  Reading them is embarrassing, even to me, the person that wrote them.  I think that somehow as we get older we block out the awfulness that is adolescence.  There were definitely some funny things and some interesting things.  But I had to stop reading, I just couldn't bring myself to go back there.  I saved them though, I'm sure someday I'll want to remember what it was like to be 14, but that day is not today.  

I talk about getting rid of stuff as being like therapy, writing is so much more therapeutic than anything else I do. The point is that when I was younger, I understood that there was a writer inside of me.  Whether she is a good one or not doesn't matter. What matters is that somehow, along the way, I managed to lose that writer and I am so happy and thankful that somehow I found her again.

When I sit down everyday to write my blog I don't do it because I want to.  I do it because I have to.  I sit down and write because I don't know how I feel or what I think about something until I put it down on paper.  Until I can read my thoughts and work through them in black and white, with the sound of the keyboard and radio lulling me into a sort of trance that helps my brain sort through my shit.  For some reason, other people like to read through my thought processes, which is amazing to me, and a little odd.

And now, a little taste of the poetry I used to write :-)  Judging by the handwriting, I would guess that I was in middle school when I wrote this poem.  Probably 8th grade. Even in my adolescent angst I knew that my mom was magic and amazing and probably knew a whole lot more than what I was telling her.

The Things They Know....

We hide things from them 
thinking that we're sly.
Doing things we'd never do
beneath our mother's eye.
We cheat, we smoke, we curse, we lie
Swearing one day we'll tell them of our lives.

They'll look at us and grin
sharing motherly glances
Then suddenly they'll burst out laughing
shocking all our senses.

You think we didn't know those things?
You think they're a surprise?
We were once young too you know?
We know about your minds

Friday, November 1, 2013

The Holidays - I've Changed My Mind

I'm not sure exactly what happened between writing my blog yesterday and writing my blog today.  It's a like a switch has been flipped.  I don't know if it's a combination of dressing up for Halloween yesterday and getting to celebrate red cup day today or what.  But I am suddenly, ridiculously, excited for the holidays.

I'm excited to bake and cook and decorate in a way that I wasn't yesterday.  I'm excited to get to go see the Christmas tree lighting.  I'm excited that in a week Veronica is going to be three miles away and we're going to be able to do stupid holiday stuff together, that no one else is going to want to do.  I think I want to make pine cone turkeys :-)

I'm excited for Thanksgiving.  I love Thanksgiving, even if the logistics can become complicated.  Who cares? C.T.F.D. Enjoy the family, and friends and good food and just the happiness that comes from spending a day, or a few days, being Thankful.  I might even participate in the annual November Facebook challenge of posting something each day that I'm thankful for.

I'm excited to do Elf on a Shelf again. Zap is going to return even though just last week I was bitching about how much I didn't want to do it. After PJ's lack of enthusiasm last night when it came to trick-or-treating I realized that he's getting old and isn't going to believe in Santa for much longer, if he even still does.  That means that this year I need to step it up a bit.  Make it more magic than I usually do.

I still don't want to go overboard on decorating my apartment or spending a lot of money. That's one of the great things about living in a major metropolitan area. There is always something holiday related happening for the cost of next to nothing.  Heck, there will come a point where we can just go get in the car and drink hot cocoa and look at Christmas lights every night of the week if that's what we want to do.

So here I go, off to plan and make lists and be happy that I am finally out of my anti-holiday funk.