Not Good Enough

As a thirty-something woman I wonder every day if there will ever come a point where I feel like I am good enough.

I understand that is an odd, very general, statement that begs the question of "good enough for what?"

Good enough for everything or anything at all.

I think that maybe, deep down, in a place that I don't look very often, I feel like I have failed at a few things in my life.  Two marriages come immediately to mind.  I also know that in my career I have a tendency to not take chances and grow because of my fear of failing and not being good enough.

I would love to be able to blame someone for this horrible personality trait.  I know that ex-husband number two made me feel like I was never good enough.  I also know that I can't blame him entirely because I know that I felt this way before him.  He just made me feel this way all the time instead of just occasionally.

I try really hard to not let that fear get the better of me.  I am good at my job.  I am a good enough mom.  I am a good enough girlfriend. I am a good enough daughter.  I am a good enough friend.

 And I sure wish that writing that down made me believe it.

I catch myself all the time not saying "well, what if they realize..."

What if my boss realizes I'm not as good at my job as everyone thinks? Or that I'm only good at managing 200 apartments and that I would suck at managing more apartments and people.  What if I'm not nearly as good with the money numbers as I think I am?  What if this entire last year of rent growth has been a fluke and had nothing to do with me?  What if I get the chance to manage more money and more people and I fail because I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!?

Then there is the relationship factor.  What if I'm unrealistic with the way I think a relationship should be? What if I'm too intense? What if he realizes that I'm a whole lot harder to live with in person than 1,000 miles away?  What if I'm am more fun and more cute over the phone and for five days at a time but reality is different?  What if all of my previous relationship fails have really been my fault because I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!?!

I am logical and rational enough to realize that we can't live our lives in "what-if's" and that I am being completely emotional and irrational when posing those "what-if" questions.  I know deep down and that I am good at my job and that I am in general pretty awesome.  Maybe someday I'll be able to convince my irrational brain that I am good enough, for anything and everything.  Today is not that day.  I'll just have to keep working on it.