I Want My Flipflops

Day 16 - What are you looking forward to?

Disclaimer: I'm in a horrible, woe-is-me, grouchy, I hate the rain mood today. This post will not be happy, positive or uplifting.  This post is going to be bitchy and negative and very likely depressing.  Aren't you excited?

What am I looking forward to?  Spring.  I'm looking forward to Spring.

I know that it is only October 1st and I could say many other things.  My birthday.  Thanksgiving. Christmas. The truth is I don't really like any of those things.  I love to celebrate other people's birthdays but I'm usually disappointed on mine.  Plus my birthday means the beginning of the holiday season, which I could skip and still be perfectly happy.  My birthday is the gateway to the darkness.  My birthday is the beginning of planning Halloween, which really isn't so bad but as soon as Halloween is over we start on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving always brings some sort of drama.  Who's going where?  What are we going to eat?  Who is cooking what?  What time are we going to eat?  Plus, planning for Thanksgiving means that we're that much closer to Christmas.

"What could she possibly have against Christmas?" you may ask. To be honest with you, I don't really know. There is a general sense of foreboding that fills my body when I think about Christmas.  All the money and the decorations and the planning.  The constant tug of war about where PJ is going to be.  The expectations.

Really, maybe that's my problem with all of it.  The expectations.  I always set my expectations too high. I have high expectations of myself, which leads to trying to meet my expectations and then falling short. Sometimes because of my own shortcomings and sometimes due to circumstances beyond my control. Regardless, if you're expectations are too high you are likely to be disappointed.  And that's me during the holidays, Ms. Disappointed.

In addition to my expectations there are other peoples expectations.  PJ's, his dads, my parent's, my friend's. All of the people who want to have parties and get together's and spend time together.  I want to be able to do everything and I just can't.  Since I hate to be disappointed, I hate disappointing other people.  It just makes me feel crappy.

All these expectations and disappointments lead to comfort eating.  Heck, I don't even need a reason to eat but for some reason in the winter I can't convince myself to eat food that's good for me.  I also eat in excess. Which means that by the end of January I'm struggling to lose the 20 pounds that I managed to pack on while in my winter hibernation stage.

The holidays aren't the only reason I'm anxious for spring.  It's October 1st and in the last four days we have had almost five inches of rain.  It's been so cold I had to put my down comforter on my bed and turn on the heater.  It's dark all day long because of the clouds and even if the clouds are thin enough to let through some light it gets dark earlier and earlier and stays dark in the mornings later and later.  This doesn't get any better until March, maybe.

Someday, I'll live someplace warm where it stays nice even in the winter and doesn't get dark and grey for seven months out of the year.  Until then I guess Ms. Disappointed will go tan, take an extra vitamin D and dream about the sunshine.