Thursday, October 10, 2013

Make Yourself Proud

What is your proudest moment?

As a mom I feel like when talking about my proudest moment I should talk about PJ, something he did that made me proud, or how proud he makes me all the time.  However, this is my blog and although I am incredibly proud of PJ all the time, I don't feel like this question is asking when I was most proud of someone else.  I think that it's asking when I was most proud of myself.

I was really proud when I got my letter from Clark College saying that I had made the Dean's list.  That was a big deal because when you work full time, are a parent and have just left your husband, making the Dean's list is a big deal.  I still don't think that's my proudest moment.

My proudest moment is probably when I realized that I deserved better, in my life and in my marriage, and did something about it.  It feels weird to talk about a relationship that didn't work out.  It feels a lot like tattling, or talking about a person behind their back.  I guess if you're saying things that you would say to their face it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

The progression from married to ready to not be married was a long one.  I was married for four years to someone who didn't like me and tried to change me all the time.  I was married to someone who made me feel like I was never good enough at anything.  I didn't cook good enough, I was raising the kids wrong, I didn't communicate the right way.  It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried I wasn't ever going to be good enough.

I don't remember the exact date, or time, or which fight it was but the day came that I realized that it wasn't me.  I wasn't the one that wasn't good enough.  I am who I am and I changed who I was to try and be the person who was "good enough".  I wasn't happy with the person I turned in to.  And I certainly wasn't proud of that person.

The thing is that when I made the decision that I needed to figure out who I was and go back to who I am that is when the proverbial shit really hit the fan.  If I wasn't good enough before imagine the impact disagreeing and expressing my thoughts and feelings had on the situation.  I can remember fighting one night and thinking "I can't do this anymore.  I do not want to be this man's wife anymore".

So I wasn't.  I moved in with my mom and dad and started to pack my stuff.

I'm pretty sure that my proudest moment was the day that Mom, Paul, Lindsay and I moved all of my stuff into my apartment.  I was exhausted and I plopped down on my new sofa, looked around at MY apartment and thought "Wow, you really did it". I've been pretty proud of myself since.

The Exhaustion 

1 comment:

  1. I am also very proud of you for doing what you needed to do to be safe and happy. Love you!