As a mom I feel like when talking about my proudest moment I should talk about PJ, something he did that made me proud, or how proud he makes me all the time. However, this is my blog and although I am incredibly proud of PJ all the time, I don't feel like this question is asking when I was most proud of someone else. I think that it's asking when I was most proud of myself.
I was really proud when I got my letter from Clark College saying that I had made the Dean's list. That was a big deal because when you work full time, are a parent and have just left your husband, making the Dean's list is a big deal. I still don't think that's my proudest moment.
My proudest moment is probably when I realized that I deserved better, in my life and in my marriage, and did something about it. It feels weird to talk about a relationship that didn't work out. It feels a lot like tattling, or talking about a person behind their back. I guess if you're saying things that you would say to their face it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
The progression from married to ready to not be married was a long one. I was married for four years to someone who didn't like me and tried to change me all the time. I was married to someone who made me feel like I was never good enough at anything. I didn't cook good enough, I was raising the kids wrong, I didn't communicate the right way. It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried I wasn't ever going to be good enough.
I don't remember the exact date, or time, or which fight it was but the day came that I realized that it wasn't me. I wasn't the one that wasn't good enough. I am who I am and I changed who I was to try and be the person who was "good enough". I wasn't happy with the person I turned in to. And I certainly wasn't proud of that person.
The thing is that when I made the decision that I needed to figure out who I was and go back to who I am that is when the proverbial shit really hit the fan. If I wasn't good enough before imagine the impact disagreeing and expressing my thoughts and feelings had on the situation. I can remember fighting one night and thinking "I can't do this anymore. I do not want to be this man's wife anymore".
So I wasn't. I moved in with my mom and dad and started to pack my stuff.
I'm pretty sure that my proudest moment was the day that Mom, Paul, Lindsay and I moved all of my stuff into my apartment. I was exhausted and I plopped down on my new sofa, looked around at MY apartment and thought "Wow, you really did it". I've been pretty proud of myself since.