Monday, January 6, 2014

Why Can't I Just Gain Weight In My Boobs?

It's that time of Winter again.  It's the point where my soft pale flesh in the mirror brings me to realize that I have to do something besides sit on my sofa, eat chocolate, drink wine and watch How I Met Your Mother. I'm very proud to say that I didn't gain my normal winter 20 this year.  The past few years, by the beginning of January, I have gained 20 pounds that I have to struggle to lose again by the beginning of April.  I manage to keep it off from April through October, probably because I move more in the Summer.  Then, starting in October and continuing through December I manage to pack on 20 pounds again. Not this year.  This year I just got cushy.

After the holidays and two weeks of either being hurt or sick I pretty much feel like a slug. I had a dream last night about running.  I don't run, even when I am exercising.  I'm never going to run.  My old lady knees and hips couldn't take it.  I suppose that the dream is my subconscious telling me to get off of my ass. I know that I need to move more when I actually WANT to exercise.  As we all know I hate exercising.  I've written about it on more than one blog occasion.

Okay, so the general consensus is that I need to move more and eat better and probably stop watching so much HIMYM.  But what am I going to do?  I bought a Groupon for hot yoga a couple of months ago. It's for 20 classes and expires at the end of February.  I should probably use it but that would require going to classes with other people.

Other people are the reason I don't go to gyms.  I don't like it when other people see me sweat, or do any sort of physical activity for that matter.  I'm not sure if middle school gym class is the reason that I feel like such a spaz whenever I do anything that could be construed as a little athletic or if it just has to do with the fact that I am generally a klutz.  I also feel like people are judging my inability to look graceful doing just about anything.  I can walk with heels on pretty good but that's about the extent of my gracefulness. It's weird because I was a cheerleader for four years.  You would think that I would have some kind of hand eye coordination and that my fear of doing physical activity in front of other people would be nonexistent. Interestingly that is just another anxiety that has grown the older I get.

I also bought Just Dance 2014 for the XBox.  Just Dance has a Just Sweat setting.  It keeps track of how much time and presumed calories you burn.  The nice thing about dancing with the XBox is that with the Kinect you don't have to have a controller in your hand.  The problem is that every once in awhile it will show you a video of what you looked like dancing.  I really don't want to see my uncoordinated ass dancing on the TV while struggling to breathe.  I realized over the weekend that the key to keeping that from happening is to dance with all of the lights off.  The camera on the Kinect can still track your movement but when it plays the video there isn't anything to see.

So I guess in reading this I have the tools that I need in place to start firming up the cush.  I just need to do it. So while this isn't a resolution I will say that this is my "don't be a slug" goal, if only because if I write it down it helps me hold myself accountable.

1. Drink 100 ounces of water per day.
2. Exercise three hours a week.
3. Do 15 squats every time I go to the bathroom.
4. Use the yoga Groupon - conquer that fear

Maybe using the yoga groupon will help me get over the fear of working out in front of people.  Either that or I'll have a panic attack.  I guess we'll see.

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