Friday, January 10, 2014

X2 and the Reality of Things

So, my divorce is final today.  It's officially official.  It's kinda been an interesting week.  I did find out that X2 has been reading my blog and it made me feel kind of bad. Not because I regret anything that I said, or because I said anything I didn't think he should know or hear.  If I had been doing that I would have posted these things to a public forum.  I feel bad because everything that I have posted for the past four months has been negative.

Looking back over the past six years they weren't all bad.  They didn't start bad, unfortunately they got bad and ended bad.  Hind sight is 20/20 and the funny thing is that at the end of a story you look back at the story's whole and reflect.  Or at least I do.  I think most people do.  That's why people make resolutions at the end of the year and people give eulogies at the end of life.  When something ends you want to look back on it.

I learned many lessons about what I needed and wanted throughout my second marriage.  I learned a lot about what I would and wouldn't stand for.  This process has helped me learn a lot about forgiveness and a lot about the person that I want to be.  This relationship was an adult relationship whereas my first marriage I feel like we started and ended as children.  It's impossible to not learn from each relationship that you have but your first real adult relationship is chock full of valuable lessons. 

I feel like a lot of people who get divorced aren't willing to admit the things they did wrong, and I am afraid that my blogs have mainly cast the blame outside of me. I am not perfect, nor am I blameless.  I know what I did wrong, both throughout the marriage and while it was ending.  Part of healing is accepting those things. It's a whole lot easier to accept your own faults then it is to forgive the wrongs that you feel were done to you.  Part of the healing process for me has been blogging about it.

Looking back on the past six years it's really easy to focus on the negative things that happened throughout those years that eventually caused my marriage to fail.  The thing is that I don't think that I want to look at all the bad stuff anymore.  There was plenty of good.  I was able to be a parent to two amazing little girls. I was crazy in love with a great guy, who unfortunately lost sight of his greatness, and in turn so did I. X2 and I had a lot of fun together when we were having fun. We overcame crazy obstacles and challenges that would have made a lot of people throw up their hands and give up a whole lot sooner than we did.  We created a lot of memories together and as a family.  I don't regret the relationship and I certainly wouldn't take it back or erase it from my life story.  Everything happens for a reason.  Even this.  

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