Friday, December 20, 2013

The Only Thing That Would Make This Day Better Is If We Got Carded

It's weird to be in your 30's.  Especially when you kind of feel like you did stuff backwards.  I feel like I spent my 20's acting like I was in my 30's and now, at least so far, I have spent my 30's acting like I am in my 20's.  Granted a much more responsible 20's than most people, however still not 30 something.

The year I turned 20 I got pregnant. At 21 I was married with a baby and a mortgage.  There isn't anything much more adult.  I truly missed out on my 20's.  I didn't go to college. I didn't spend a lot of time wondering what I was going to do for a career.  I went from job to job, being a mom and a wife for a couple of years. Then I had a quarter life crisis, was divorced by 25, remarried at 26, spent a few more years being a wife and mom and then I turned 30 and decided to get divorced again.

In the 10 years that I was supposed to be figuring out who I was I managed to figure out who I wasn't.  I also crammed a lifetime worth of experiences, that 30 and 40 year old people have, all into my 20's.  This has made an interesting start to my 30's.

There are days that I feel like I should rename this blog Random Ramblings of a OLD AS HELL Rachel. There are other days when I feel like I'm in my 20's working my way through unmarried life.  Honestly, one of the biggest benefits to being divorced is getting to have days off just for you because your ex has your kid. That sounds kind of selfish, but when you spend your 20's acting 30 there is room to be a little selfish, just so you can make up for lost time.

On the days I feel super old I feel every single experience that I have had in the last 31 years.  I feel too old to wear sparkles, too old for my nose ring, too old to be starting over again.  I feel every inch of the responsible adult. On those days, I sometimes feel too old to get out of bed.

The days I don't feel my age are few and far between. They are also a bit confusing.  I feel guilt associated with closing down the bar or spending all day in bed.  I feel guilt about being happy that I get to have a couple of days to do whatever I want, without a child around.  There is also a little bit of weirdness in that a lot of my friends are now in their 30's, doing the things that I did in my 20's.

I wouldn't trade most of the last 11 years for anything.  Everything happens for a reason.  I always knew I was older than my actual years said I was.  It's just part of my personality.  At this point I just wish that I could feel younger more often.  I wish that I could shake the stereotypes and social expectations of being in my 30's. I wish that all of the positivity that I have been trying to accept, embrace and project would also help me feel younger. I'm much too young to feel this damn old. I've spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with who and what I am this year.  Maybe next year I should spend a lot of time trying to remember that age is nothing but a number and you're only as old as you feel. 

Side note: If you are in a position to card people you should. It makes my day every time.  If you get carded don't get huffy, be happy that the person carding you thinks that you look or act young enough that they need to ask for I.D. 

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