I Got a Million Trillion Things I'd Rather Do #idfwu

Unless this is your first time reading my blog you know that one of my favorite words is fuck.  I also really like the word plethora. Which is on the completely opposite end of the vocabulary spectrum. This blog is about a song that says the work fuck a plethora of times.

I have spent a lot of time and energy and years caring what other people thing of me and my choices. I'm pretty sure I have blogged about it before.  Recently I've discovered that as I get older I just don't care what people think.  

I've also been the type of person that gives a lot of second chances but when I'm done giving chances I'm done with that person.  It's always been that way.  Ask my ex-husbands. 

Big Sean's song I Don't Fuck With You is a song about both of those things that makes me happy every time I hear it.  It's crude and ridiculous and he says the work fuck fifty plus times.  But every time I hear it I smile and sing along.  

There isn't anyone that I think of specifically when I hear this song, nor am I feuding or mad at anyone that I think this song applies to.  It's just a song, using my favorite word over and over, to convey a level of ambivalence that I love.  E-40 doesn't hurt anything either. 

In Every Thing Give Thanks

Yes.  It's that time of the year.  The time where we are all inundated with all of the many things that everyone in our social media is thankful for.  I wasn't going to write a thankful blog this year.  I wrote this one about being happy and not taking people for granted last Thanksgiving and then another about the amazing gifts that I've gotten from my family over the years and then there was the one about the family I get to choose. I figured I had it all covered.  But as today is Thanksgiving Eve, and there are always new things to be thankful for, I figured why not kill a little time while I'm waiting to get off of work expressing my gratitude for a multitude of other things.

I'm thankful for all of the changes in my life since this time last year.  I'm thankful that Josh is here and we're hosting Thanksgiving this year, in our home, rather than having him here just visiting for two weeks like last year. I'm thankful for him and his support in general.  I mean who doesn't love a guy who cooks and cleans and supports the shit out of you? There have been a lot of life changes in the past twelve months and we've handled them all like bosses.  I am thankful everyday that he's at home when I get there.  I still have moments, laying in bed right before I fall asleep, where I am amazed and in awe that we managed to get where we are and that we are actually sharing this crazy life. Out of all of the things I have to be thankful for he is the one that makes me wonder what amazing thing I did in a past life to deserve what I have now. 

My super awesome kid makes me thankful.  He's ten, and annoying, but he's turning into a great person.  He's always been pretty great and thoughtful but he has figured out and matured so much in the past year. As much as he is still a distracted ten year old kid he is finding his voice and figuring out the type of person that he wants to be.  I feel like we're living in this very short time frame where I'm actually a cool person, that might last another year so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. 

I'm thankful for the traditions that I have, and the people that I share them with.  I'm thankful for pies and wine on Thanksgiving Eve.  I'm thankful for green bean casserole and cranberry sauce. I'm thankful that my family, and Josh's, like each other so that we can all spend Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that I get to make a whole new set of traditions this Christmas and keep the ones that I already have going.  I'm thankful for Christmas cookies with Veronica and Christmas Eve at my Mom and Dad's. I'm thankful for Zap and December 1st Christmas Pajamas.  I'm thankful that I have all of these things to be thankful for. 

Really, I'm just very thankful for this awesome life and the awesome people in it who help it suck a whole lot less than it could.

F&$k Hormones and Emotions and Stuff

I woke up this morning in a horrible mood.  Generally angry at the world and a hormonal ball of emotions.  I threw glasses around the kitchen, slammed drawers and cabinets then got in the car to drive to work a mess of tears and yelling frustration.

I have absolutely no reason at all to be angry, or sad or really any negative emotion.  That is one of the sucky things about being a girl.  There are times that you just can't control the way your hormones are making you feel.  While at the same time you have no idea how or why you are feeling a certain way.

What's even more sucky is when you can't predict when your hormones are going to make you an insane, tearful, crazy, calling other drivers cunts and flipping them off in traffic maniac.  If it was all just as simple as every 28 days PMS it wouldn't just jump up and surprise me.  I'd be like OH!  Yes that explains so much.  I don't have PMS like that because I don't have periods.  So when I wake up in the morning a crazy person it takes me a little bit to figure it out because the calendar doesn't tell me it's time for that hormonal bull shit.

Don't get me wrong.  I have no illusions about the fact that men have to deal with hormones too.  I think men have a hormonal cycle just like women and end up being little bitches with their own PMS bullshit to deal with.  It's just a different level.  As a woman, hormones make you crazy.  As a man hormones just make you a dick.  I would much rather be bitchy then cry any day.

The other thing about being hormonal like this, at least for me, is that although I hate everyone all I really want to do is lay in bed and cuddle and have sex.  Yes, I admitted that. After discussing this phenomena with many friends I'm not the only one.  What is about being a complete and total bitch that makes you horny as hell?  Your significant other certainly doesn't think your crazy hormonal self is sexy.  Why would anyone want to cuddle and make out with a puffy eyed woman that has been slamming shit around and scowling all day?  I don't even like myself when I feel this way, I certainly don't expect anyone else to like me.

I guess the benefit to being a property manager is that I'll probably get to yell at someone today and maybe even make them cry.  I am also in a position where I can just close my office door and ignore everyone if I want to.  Right now I'm going to go get a cup of coffee and go to the bathroom to cry (because if you cry in the bathroom it didn't happen). Wish me, my staff, my boyfriend and everyone on my commute home today luck.  I think we're all going to need it.  

You Don't Need a Cape to Be a Hero

Last week my boyfriend posted a link to nominate him to win a Mercedes through a local Mercedes dealerships website. The dealership is asking friends and family of Veteran's to nominate them to win this car by giving them information about their service and writing a paragraph or two about why the person you are nominating is your hero.  So, here I am, ready to go nominate him and I get to the part about telling why he's my hero and I freeze.  How could I possibly put in to words why he's my hero? There are so many reasons, and there are more every day.  I have been tossing ideas around in my head for the last week because I can't just sit and write a blurb.  It's too big.

Today is Veteran's Day.  Veteran's Day is on November 11th every year to commemorate the day that the fighting in WWI stopped.  In 1954 it was made a National holiday to show appreciation to anyone who has served in the United States Armed Forces. 

For most of my life Veteran's Day was a day off of school in November.  For most of my life war, and all that it entails, has been on the periphery of my life. My grandfather was in the Coast Guard but outside of that I just didn't really have any exposure to the military. I am a smart enough person that I have always appreciated the men and women that choose to serve our country but I never felt like it impacted my life in a direct way.  Like I said, it was always on the periphery, an ignorance is bliss situation.  

I remember when I found out that Josh had joined the Army.  I was 17, so we had known each other for about four years, Up to that point the only thing I really knew about war, so to speak, was what happened in the First Gulf War. I was nine when all of that went down. I remember watching the news and watching the air strikes but that was really all.  This was also pre-9/11 so that hadn't even come in to play yet. The day he left for boot camp I said goodbye and walked home crying.  I don't even know if I knew why. I was a senior in high school, we hadn't dated in three years, but I knew in my gut that this was huge. 

I still have all of the letters and pictures that he sent from boot camp, and from Kosovo. How I managed to hold on to those for so many years, through so many moves, I'm not sure.  From the moment that he went to Kosovo I worried. 9/11 made it worse. Then when he went to Iraq the first time I worried more. I dreaded the phone call from my mom, or from his. Through all of this we weren't together, we were married to different people. I kept in touch with him and checked in the best I could.  Most of this was before Skype but there was e-mail and messenger.  Even though I worried and checked in to make sure he was okay, the enormity of everything that was happening was still on the periphery of my life here. 

We've been together, for real, for about a year and a half now. I didn't have to go through war with him, but now I get to see what the transition to civilian life looks like.  Not just for him but for the men and women that he served with.  Listening to their stories, and watching them deal with, what has to feel, like mundane every day life brings a level of appreciation and understanding that I never had before. How to you go from full out, blowing shit up war, to an everyday job? Or college?  How do you go from worrying about an entire company of men to just taking care of your family?  Once you have been in a combat situation it brings a whole new perspective to life.  One that I see in Josh and every single soldier he's brought in to my life.  They are an entirely different, and pretty awesome, breed.

It embarrasses me to realize how much of my life I spent being ignorant to war and it's casualties. Not just those that we lose but what get's lost for those who come home.  What every single Veteran has to deal with on a day to day basis.  I have a whole new level of understanding and patience. Not to mention the respect.  It's a level of respect that I can't even put in to words. To make the choice to serve your country, to take on that level of responsibility, to put your country before your life.  You can agree or disagree with war and why our government and country makes the choices it does, but you have to respect that kind of commitment and sacrifice that is required to choose your country before anything else. 

So, Happy Veteran's Day to all of those who have served and still serve.  Happy Veteran's Day to the families and support systems of our Veterans.  Thank you for everything you do and have done to make sure that I can live my day to day life and maintain my freedom. 

And last but not least Happy Veteran's Day to my own personal hero. Who, is my hero not just for his service to this country but also because he chooses to get up everyday and support me and our little life that we have built. He brought a whole new view and perspective to my life, one that I love and can't believe I didn't have before. He continues to show me day in and day out that you don't need a cape to be a hero and that is a gift I'll never be able to show enough appreciation for.