Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Should Anyone Here Object to Me Changing My Mind... Just Hold Your Peace

What is it about the permanence of being married?  I know, better than most, that marriage is not permanent. and yet, here I am, a year later thinking that marriage really isn't as bad as I've made it out to be this past year.  I remember getting married the second time and thinking that, after the first time, there was no way I could fail.  I knew what was wrong with the first one and I thought that it would be different the second time around.  The problem with that philosophy is that I was working under the assumption that since I learned my first time around he did too.  Leaving was hard for me because I just KNEW that I wasn't going to fail this time.  I stuck it out way longer than I should have and gave way more concessions than any person should give, just so I didn't fail at this marriage thing.   As I have said before, everything happens for a reason, I don't care how cliche it is.

I have spent the last year talking about all of the reasons that it is unnecessary to get married, to anyone who would listen. I spent a good half an hour one day talking to the girl at the tanning salon about why getting married is completely ridiculous.  You don't have to be married to be committed to each other for the rest of your lives.  When you get married it screws up your taxes.  Marriage is a way for the government to be involved in your personal relationships. Blah, blah, blah.

The thing is, I'm not wrong.  You DON'T need to be married to be committed to someone else, forever.  It does mess up your taxes when you're in a certain tax bracket and don't have a bunch of write-off's. Unfortunately, we live in a society where the government invades your personal relationships regardless of whether your married or not, so although that is valid, it's also inevitable.

Now, there are a couple of practical reasons to get married too.  Unless we are married, or registered domestic partners, I can't get medical information in the case of an emergency, nor can I make any medical decisions.  And that goes both ways.  At this point in our lives the first call would be to our mothers because they are our next of kin, at least until our kids turn 18. And what if something happens when our kids are 18? Should they be the first call? Probably not.  We're just roommates. Which sucks, and is kind of harsh, but that is how the government, and by extension, the medical establishments, see us.  Roommates. Tax benefits do happen eventually  so that goes in the pro's column of this list. It's also easier financially with bank accounts, and insurance, and buying a house, if you are married.

Then there are the impractical, emotional, "awwww" reasons to get married.  Because you love someone.  Because there is no way that you want to hear anyone else's voice before you go to sleep at night. Because they are your best friend.  Because they accept you for who you are and don't try and change you.  Because you both change anyway to help fit into each others hearts and lives.  Because you depend on them more than you have ever depended on anyone. Because they are your partner in everything already. Because the idea of calling him husband and being called his wife makes you warm and fuzzy. Because you respect each others thoughts, opinions and decisions. Because you would rather sit around doing nothing with that person than be doing something with anyone else. Because there is no dividing line down the center of the bed, cuddling is always necessary.  Because when you think of spending the rest of your life with someone that isn't him you realize you would rather just spend it alone.

Let's not confuse marriage with a wedding.  All girls want a wedding.  The dress and the flowers and people and the party.  Don't get me wrong, so do I, and after waiting 19 years I feel as though we deserve one.  I had a wedding Pinterest board even when I didn't want to get married, just because some ideas are so cool and some dresses are so pretty that you just need to save them someplace (don't go look for it. It's private). However, a wedding doesn't make a marriage.  I would be happy in a summer dress with our families around and no party if that's what had to happen.

What I want is the marriage, the partnership, the permanence that we have both waited so long for. I'm willing to wait until we're both ready.  And even if both of us are never ready at the same time, neither of us is going anywhere and we know it. Which, really, makes the entire thing that much better.

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