Friday, February 27, 2015

Don't Worry. Add to Your Happy

I've been failing at blogging.  I understand this.  I apologize for it.  I don't know if that is because I spend about two hours in the car a day and that is that time that I would typically spend blogging or if I just don't have anything to blog about. I've been mulling over today's blog all week and I'm still not sure I have to words to get across my point.

I had a biopsy on a lump in my neck on Monday.  The lump has been there for months.  I went and saw my favorite doctor in Olympia.  It freaked him out, which freaked me out and he did a biopsy.  Which essentially means he stuck four needles in the lump and took out chunks and fluid to be tested.

First off, if you have never had a needle biopsy (I had one previously on my thyroid so I knew what to expect) they aren't nearly as bad as they sound.  They aren't comfortable but they aren't horrible either.  I will say that having a needle in your neck is disconcerting, regardless of whether it hurts or not. Second, biopsies are disconcerting in general. There's also the fact that this particular doctor is pretty laid back so when he decides to stick a needle in my neck it freaks me out.

So he calls me on Wednesday and immediately tells me that I don't have cancer. So that's awesome.  No. Really. It's awesome. Now that I think about it maybe I should have lead with that.

Anyway, that means that I had 36 hours to come up with every possible horrible scenario possible.  The second someone does a test to check for cancer your brain goes haywire (unless it's a pap and then you don't even think about it because you've been doing it since you were 13).  I started thinking about the short term disability that I elected this year with my benefits.  I started thinking about how much life insurance I have.  I started wondering what the life expectancy was for someone who has lymphoma.

I also stared analyzing my day to day life.  I have never been more annoyed at my two hour commute than I was on Tuesday and Wednesday morning.  How much of my life should I be expected to waste in the car?  My job is a necessary evil, even if I did have cancer.  But is my waste of life commute?

I was thinking the same thing about the people I interact with daily, or don't interact with as the case may be.  Who would I wish I had spent more time with?  What regrets would I have?

All of my worrying and questioning was for naught when Dr Shannon called to let me know that everything came back okay.

I guess the whole point to this is that maybe all of those questions that go around and around in our heads when were worried that we might be dying are the things that we should focus on daily when we're caught up in our lives. Don't end up 32 or 50 or 70 with regrets and should haves. Add to your happy.

Friday, February 13, 2015

I'm Not #Dramtic. I'm #Sensitive. Okay, Maybe I'm Both.

I have been spinning a blog centered around this photo in my brain for weeks.  This is me.  I am super intense, I feel everything.

I've always been pretty sensitive.  I get embarassed easily.  I won't work out or do physical activities in front of other people.  I don't like critisism and I don't like to be made fun of, even in jest.  I take every single little observation about myself personally.  I have a hard time making decisions because I like to weigh all the pros and cons, think about how others feel and then decide.

I am sensitive and it's always pissed me off.

I've always wanted to be the person that doesn't care what other people think of me.  That person that doesn't care if I run like Phoebe from friends. I'm going to run anyway (I don't but it doesn't matter if I look perfectly normal running I'm not going to do it because someone might see me). Dancing falls into this same category, I might know what to do with my arms just fine, but just in case I don't... I'm just going to dance when I'm alone in my kitchen thank you.

I wish that I didn't have to have the "go cry in the bathroom" motto because I can cry at the drop of a hat and am embarassed to do it in front of anyone.

I wish I didn't remember every critisism from every fight I've ever had.

I wish it wasn't super hard to even write this blog due to a single argument about it one time with one person.

I wish that other peoples feelings and reactions didn't effect me in such a strong way.

I wish that I didn't feel confrontation in such an intense way that I avoid it at all costs.  Even if it means holding in feelings and compromising just to avoid them.

It turns out that being highly sensitive is a thing.  I haven't quite figured out yet if it is a thing like my OCD, which is not in any way extreme or medically diagnosed. Or if it is a legitimate thing.  It all started when I found this article about being the sensitive one in the relationship.  I was like, wait, what?  That's a thing?  Then I started doing a little more research and came across this Huffington Post article titled 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People and I was shocked.  It epitomized my personality.  Well, except the part about violent movies,.. I don't have an issue with that.  I have a much larger issue with emotionally charged movies.  Anyway,  I then found an article in Psychology Today that states:

"Being highly sensitive basically means that you have heightened sensory awareness. You notice things, both consciously and unconsciously, that affect the five senses more than most people. Lights are brighter, traffic is louder, that wool sweater your mother knitted is itchy, and I mean, really itchy! You find yourself hiding out in the bathroom at parties without really knowing why, until you realise how much calmer you feel when you're away from all the crowds. Experts are still trying to determine what exactly makes some of us more sensitive than others and how it all works, but it has something to do with your central nervous system. Basically, HSPs tend to absorb more information from their environment than other folks, making the world an often highly overstimulating place. I usually describe it as living life with no skin, my nerve endings exposed and feeling every whisper of information around me."

The thing is that if I wasn't the sensitive person that I am I wouldn't be in tune and sympathetic to other peoples feelings.

If I was insensitive and able to just say that I don't give a fuck I wouldn't be me.  And even though it might be easier on my emotions, and heck, the people around me who try and figure out my emotions, I would be a completely different person that I'm not sure I would like.

I pride myself on the fact that I remember every important date ever.

I love that people call me "Mom" because I look out for everyone and make sure that everyone is taken care of.

I wouldn't be able to sympathize and empathize to the extent that I can.

I wouldn't love as hard and with everything that I have.

I wouldn't have that intuition that tells me when someing is off or wrong with a person or a situation.

So I guess I'm going to try and not hate my sensitivity so much.  Even if being highly sensitive is just something that a group of people made up to justify their feelings, at least I know I'm not the only one,

Excuse me while I go cry over the fact that my 11 year old just gave his crush a Valentine's gift... I'm feeling a little emotional about it.