Halloween, my favorite holiday?

I seem to be in a bit of a holiday funk.  I love Halloween.  It's always been my favorite.  I love Trick or Treating.  I love seeing little kids in their costumes.  I love carving pumpkins.  I love going to the pumpkin patch.  I love it all.  And this year I have done none of it.

I'm not sure if it has to do with being a little burned out after 10 years of being the only one to do holidays first for one kid and then for three.  Or if it has to do with the fact that it's just me and PJ this year and he's to the point the he isn't super into Halloween either.  I know that will change, he's in a "I'm cool" phase right now and next year it will probably cool to get back into Halloween, but this year he is kinda where I'm at. Not participating.

I didn't go to the pumpkin patch, or carve a pumpkin, for the first time ever in my whole life. I also didn't decorate, which is COMPLETELY out of character for me.  I put out my candle holders and my Halloween table cloth but that all.  Today, on Halloween, it makes me kind of sad..  But to know that tomorrow I don't have to un-decorate makes me really happy.

So, in a burst of inspiration, and in an attempt to not be a scrooge today, I got up this morning and found my cat ears and tail and did my makeup like a cat.  It may not make up for all of the things I didn't do but it's better than nothing.

Hopefully, after taking a bit of a break this year, I'll me extra festive next year.  Tonight I think I'll go to my mom's, drink wine, and pass out candy to other people's cold trick-or-treating children.

Why Are Boys Idiots?

I'll be the first to admit that as a general rule I like boys.  And I don't just mean that I'm a straight female.  I mean that typically I like to hang out with boys more than girls.  It's a trait I inherited from my mother. Luckily I have made friends with girls that also typically like to hang out with boys better than girls, which means I get to have some girlfriends that like to hang out with boys that aren't just their boyfriends. As I have gotten older I tend to have more girlfriends than guy friends. Which suits me just fine, because as I have gotten older I have started to realize that boys are idiots.

There is something about testosterone in general that makes boys dumb.  A pretty girl comes around and they lose their minds.  Suddenly all the normal rational things that usually happen, stop happening.

Take my first ex-husband for example.  I love him.  I think he's great. He's a great dad and if I had to choose someone to not be married to anymore it would be him.  In a good way.  Because really when you have a child with someone, you are stuck with them forever, whether you like them or not.  So it's better when you can like them.

Anyway, I digress.  My first ex-husband has a new girlfriend.  She is young, and super cute and nice.  This only adds to the fact that she turns him into an idiot.  Okay, wait let me rephrase that, HE turns into an idiot. She doesn't do anything except stand there and he forgets that he needs to communicate with me, he looses his train of thought and then when I call him out on being an idiot he gets defensive.

Just because you have a new girlfriend does not mean that you get to stop communicating, or assume that I have a super easy life so I should pick up your slack.  You don't "forget" to tell me something that impacts my entire schedule and week because you went out and forgot.  I'm pretty sure that excuse stopped working at 23.  Which was 11 years ago.  Put on your big boy boxers and deal with your life.  If your girlfriend is worth all of the testosterone and time and effort she'll understand.

The thing is, that as a female, this power is nice.  As an adult that has to interact with men, this tendency for them to turn into idiots, is annoying.  I won't say I have never used the fact that I am a woman to turn a man into a blithering idiot, use the skills you were given I think.  My problem is that the fact that I am having to deal with an idiot through not fault of my own (except that I married and had a child with him) can become very frustrating.

Thank goodness there is beer and football to help guys get their brains back.

Higher Learning. To Continue or Not?

I've been struggling with the decision to go back to school for winter quarter.  I took fall quarter off because summer quarter completely overwhelmed me and I needed a break.  Between getting a divorce and just being stressed in general I couldn't to it. The idea of going back for winter is stressing me out too.  But my bucket list has "to get a degree" as the number one item.  So what do I do?

On one hand it seems silly not to go back.  It's school.  I enjoy it for the most part. I should have a degree. There really is no good reason not to except for the stress and the time and the juggling that it requires.  

The thing is school will always be there.  I can always go to school.  Like maybe when I'm not as stressed and feeling a little more mentally capable of dealing with it.  But is that ever going to happen? The reality is that I have a 10 year old that requires a lot of time for his extra curricular activities and his school work. Plus just the other general life stuff. 

The other issue is that I am in a position at work where I could potentially move upward and onward. However, one of the reasons that I took this position at this property was that it is fairly easy and definitely conducive to full time schooling. Any other position that I get would NOT be.  It would be more work, and more stress, and more time than I'm even spending now. 

I could take my happy sweet time making a decision except I have two weeks from today to get all my ducks in a row so that I can register.  That includes reinstating my financial aid, since I took this quarter off, going to see a school counselor AND figuring out what classes to take.  Oh, and if I don't go back this quarter I'll have to start paying my loans back.  Shit. 

Usually when I pound out all my thoughts and feelings on this keyboard by the time I'm finished with my post I have worked through whatever issue I'm writing about.  That isn't happening this time. This decision is eluding me.  I guess I need to make a pros and cons list :-)

Why Won't You Just Call the Police!

I try really hard not to complain about my job or my residents in my blog.  It would really suck if one of my residents stumbled across my blog and realized that I was talking shit.  But today I just can't help it.  Today I am going to rant about all of the stupid things that people in apartments do.

1. Noise Complaints -  People who live in apartments complain about noise constantly.  I'll admit that there are some situations where it is warranted.  Loud music after 11pm. Running, screaming children. Bass on the floor from video games or TV's.  I get all of that.  Here is the thing. If you can't handle the standard sounds that come from living in multi-family housing you should probably go rent a house in the middle of nowhere.  I am not going to tell your neighbor that they can't shower or walk around after a certain time of night.  Under no circumstances am I going to tell your neighbor that they have to close their window because you can hear them talking on the phone in the evening.  And if you can hear your neighbor having sex through the wall you should probably just ask them to quiet down.

2. Your Building - Why in the hell would you not meet the people in your building if you live in an apartment?  There are all sorts of reasons to do this.  Again if you were going to live in a house you would probably know your neighbors, watch out for their houses when they go on vacation. Ask them nicely to turn down their music if it was really loud.  So why wouldn't you do that in an apartment when you are practically living on top of each other?  It just seems logical to me that if you are going to live in the same 4,000 square feet as other people, just separated my a couple walls and doors, that you should know who they are.  I know that it makes me feel safer that I know all my immediate neighbors.  Not just that but if you know your neighbors you have no problem telling them that their stereo is to loud OR that you can hear them having sex through the wall.

3. The Police - For some reason people who live in apartments think that management is God.  I have more power then the police according to a lot of my residents.  If you see someone suspicious on the property CALL THE POLICE!!  If there are people in the hot tub at 2:00 in the morning keeping you awake CALL THE POLICE!!  I don't care if I live on-site or not, I am not going to give you my number so you can call me and let me know there are people out at 2:00 in the morning.  I am a small female.  I don't care if I sound like a girl.  If you can get a hold of me to let me know there are weird people on the property or drunk unruly people in the hot tub I'm going to CALL THE POLICE!!  I'm not stupid and I'm not going to put myself in a position where I am in a confrontation that makes me feel unsafe.  If you lived in a house you would CALL THE POLICE!!  Why do you think that I have more power than they do?  Seriously, CALL THE POLICE!!

4. Maintenance - Flip your own breakers and change your own light bulbs. Oh, yeah, and when your smoke alarm starts to chirp, replace the battery. Your rent covers your dwelling, not the basic maintenance items like light bulbs.  And if your cat tears up your screens and blinds don't be shocked when I charge you to fix them.  If you lived in a house you would not only have to pay for the supplies but you would have to do it yourself.  Be happy that I'm not charging to for the time it takes my maintenance guys to fix your screens and replace your light bulbs. I could.  It's within my rights.

I'm sure there's more but right now I have to go deal with an asshole that doesn't know how to call non-emergency.  We'll revisit this later.

Come on Over

I always forget how much I love to have people over.

When I was younger, and had a house of my own, I had parties all the time.  Not raging parties.  Come on over for a get together parties.  I kept the refrigerator and liquor cabinet stocked and always offered up my house when there was need for a function.

I love the process of planning a party or event.  I like planning the menu and the decor and what we're going to do.  I love getting out the good dishes and polishing the silver and getting out the crystal.  If it's not that kind of party I love buying paper plates and solo cups and ordering pizza.

Somehow I got out of the habit of entertaining.  I'm sure that happened after I moved into and apartment after my first divorce.  It's harder to entertain in an apartment, but certainly not impossible.  And then when I was in a house again I was married to a man no on liked and no one wanted to hang out with.  That always puts a damper on the entertaining. Even then I would still throw birthday parties and offer to host other peoples birthday parties.  I would have the friends who could handle it over on Friday or Saturday nights.

I love having a full house.  I love feeding people.  I love knowing that I have provided a good time for my friends.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays to host because there aren't very many other holidays where the only thing that you are celebrating is being thankful for what you have in front of you.  The goal of Thanksgiving is to eat and be grateful.  There isn't much that is better than that.

There is nothing better to me than a house full of good friends, good food and good wine.  The noise and the bustle is happiness to me. I want to have the house that people stop in just to see you because they know they are always welcome.  I want to have the parties that people always come to because they are so entertaining.

Regardless of where I live I am determined that I am going to entertain more.  I am going to try to get back to the social person that plans parties and hosts events.  Just because it makes me happy.

The May the Wine Talking, but I Love Wine

I realized recently that I have written excessively about coffee and  how much I love it and that I had yet to write a blog about wine.  I'm not sure if I was trying to keep everyone from thinking I was an alcoholic or what.  The thing is that as much as I like wine and as often as Facebook may make it look like I drink, I don't drink wine all the time.

I remember when I first started drinking wine.  It was pink, and super sweet.  Then I started drinking white wine chilled.  And suddenly, one day, out of the blue I put on my big girl panties and switched to red.

Ah, red wine.  How I love thee.  I like Merlot the best.  When I went wine tasting a couple of weeks ago I fell in love with a red that might be a little darker than Merlot.  It's called Montepulciano and it's amazing. We ended up bringing a bottle home and saving it just because I couldn't bring myself to waste it. I think that bottle requires a special occasion.

There is just something about wine that is better than other alcohol. The feel of a wine glass in hand is almost as comforting as a warm coffee mug. Sharing a bottle of wine is much more relaxing than sharing a beer, which indicates a party, or sharing a bottle of liquor which, oftentimes, leads to time travel. Wine just means nice, good conversation. Wine allows you to maintain a happy, glowing buzz for hours. Wine drunk is different than any other type of drunk. Kind of like tequila, but opposite. Wine is calming and warm. You can find a wine to go with every meal and complement every occasion. Versatility is where it's at.

Not to say that I have never been trashed drinking wine. I have and would be lying if I tried to claim any different. I'm just saying wine is like a good friend. Wine doesn't judge. Wine doesn't talk back. Wine knows just how to take the edge off and make your day better.

Now that I think about it, maybe I do need to drink more wine.

The Ridiculous Excitement of a New Vacuum

I got a new vacuum cleaner yesterday.  I figured that since I was constantly cleaning up cat hair, cat litter and Rachel hair off of the floor, it made sense to buy a handheld Dirt Devil cordless vacuum.  The level of excitement that I had while vacuuming the sofa yesterday was ridiculous. I took a video and cackled maniacally. I suppose there is a lot to be said in finding joy in the simple things but really? A vacuum? 

The same thing happened when I got my birthday present from my parents.  They bought me a REALLY nice knife and knife sharpener.  I squealed when I opened them I was so excited. Squealed. Seriously.  I almost squealed again when I used the knife for the first time.  It was amazing. 

At what point in adulthood do small appliances and kitchen gadgets become the most exciting thing you could possibly buy yourself? Or receive?  I suppose it's the same moment that you start spending all of your money on bills and rent and kitchen and house gadgets become less of a priority.    

I'm already planning my next purchase of a new coffee pot.  I'm not sure that will be as exciting as the vacuum but it will certainly be thrilling. I hate being a grown up.   

Not Good Enough

As a thirty-something woman I wonder every day if there will ever come a point where I feel like I am good enough.

I understand that is an odd, very general, statement that begs the question of "good enough for what?"

Good enough for everything or anything at all.

I think that maybe, deep down, in a place that I don't look very often, I feel like I have failed at a few things in my life.  Two marriages come immediately to mind.  I also know that in my career I have a tendency to not take chances and grow because of my fear of failing and not being good enough.

I would love to be able to blame someone for this horrible personality trait.  I know that ex-husband number two made me feel like I was never good enough.  I also know that I can't blame him entirely because I know that I felt this way before him.  He just made me feel this way all the time instead of just occasionally.

I try really hard to not let that fear get the better of me.  I am good at my job.  I am a good enough mom.  I am a good enough girlfriend. I am a good enough daughter.  I am a good enough friend.

 And I sure wish that writing that down made me believe it.

I catch myself all the time not saying "well, what if they realize..."

What if my boss realizes I'm not as good at my job as everyone thinks? Or that I'm only good at managing 200 apartments and that I would suck at managing more apartments and people.  What if I'm not nearly as good with the money numbers as I think I am?  What if this entire last year of rent growth has been a fluke and had nothing to do with me?  What if I get the chance to manage more money and more people and I fail because I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!?

Then there is the relationship factor.  What if I'm unrealistic with the way I think a relationship should be? What if I'm too intense? What if he realizes that I'm a whole lot harder to live with in person than 1,000 miles away?  What if I'm am more fun and more cute over the phone and for five days at a time but reality is different?  What if all of my previous relationship fails have really been my fault because I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!?!

I am logical and rational enough to realize that we can't live our lives in "what-if's" and that I am being completely emotional and irrational when posing those "what-if" questions.  I know deep down and that I am good at my job and that I am in general pretty awesome.  Maybe someday I'll be able to convince my irrational brain that I am good enough, for anything and everything.  Today is not that day.  I'll just have to keep working on it.

The Only Reason to Sweat

I don't think I should have to exercise.

I feel like there is only one reason to sweat. I suppose that reason is a form of exercise as well ;-)

No one really likes to exercise.  If you think you like exercise you have really just tricked your brain into thinking that exercise is a good idea.  There is nothing fun about being out of breath, flushed, your heart beating to hard, or sweating (unless you're having sex).

Exercise that you don't know is exercise is great.  Playing with your kids, gardening, walking to the store or around the store, cleaning the house, dancing.  All of that is exercise, and it's great to not realize that you are exercising.  The problem is if you aren't really realizing you are exercising it probably isn't vigorous enough to achieve the desired results.

Unfortunately, I am at a point in my life where my metabolism is going to start slowing down and I am going to have to start exercising if I want to keep drinking beer and wine and eating chocolate and french fries. Which really pisses me off.  Why in the hell should I, having never had to exercise for my whole life, suddenly, just because I'm getting older, start having to exercise vigorously or risk having to buy a whole new, bigger, wardrobe?

So now I have to figure out what to do for exercise.  Which sucks. I have a "bathroom exercise routine" that consists of 20 squats while I'm washing my hands after going to the bathroom and toe raises while I'm in the shower and brushing my teeth.  That's been sufficient up until now but just isn't going to cut it anymore. It would probably be enough to keep my clothes fitting as long as I'm careful, but it isn't enough to make me feel like I look good naked.

And isn't that the goal.  It's great to not have to buy bigger clothes, but it doesn't matter if you are the only one who see's yourself naked, or if someone new is seeing you naked, or if the same person sees you naked every night. What matters is that you want to know that you look good naked.  I don't need to be Playboy centerfold material by any means, in addition to requiring major surgery to get the boobs, I have had a child and would need to be airbrushed.  What I'm talking about is the general confidence that being naked in the light requires.  I can pull off looking good in my clothes.  I need to know that I look good naked.

So, I guess I need an exercise routine that consists of more than squats in the bathroom and the occasional walk to tan.  Fuck.

Hope is a Bitch

I searched for Hope on Pinterest just now.  Thinking I may be able to find a graphic or a quote that would help summarize the awfulness that is hope.  Every single hope picture and quote was positive.  I suppose that's a good thing.  Hope should be something positive.  People that have hope haven't given up.

When I started writing this blog last weekend, based solely on a tearful conversation that I had with my mother, I was in a crappy mood and not feeling like hope was a good thing.  What could be more awful than knowing that no matter how sucky the situation you are going to have hope that things can get better?  Even when things consistently don't improve.

The thing is that when you are in the middle of a shitty situation you can't help but have hope. Hope is what is going to get you through that situation without losing your mind.  How do you fail to have hope when you know that it's possible for things to get better? The biggest question is how do you keep having hope when things continue to not get better?

The problem with hope is that even though it's one of the most positive of human emotions it can break your heart into a million pieces.  Hope is a bitch.

It really is the possibility that keeps us going.  Day in and day out nothing is guaranteed but can you imagine how awful it would be to always think the worst of every situation?  To never look on the bright side?  To never see the glimmer of light peeking through the clouds?

I started this post thinking about how much of a bitch hope is but I'm ending it knowing that I wouldn't trade even the smallest sliver of hope for anything in the world.  Hope can break my heart over and over, and I'll continue to let that bitch come back every time.

Caffeine Please

It's Monday.  I am currently on the third cup of coffee and all I can think about is my next cup.  I figure that makes coffee as good of a topic as any today.

I feel like I have established that coffee is an essential part of my daily routine. Essential.  I'm not using that term lightly.  The likelihood that you want to try and have a conversation with me prior to my first cup of coffee, especially on a work day, is slim to none.

There is only one thing that I would rather do than drink coffee first thing in the morning... and then I still better get coffee after.  I read once that an orgasm first thing in the morning has the same effect as a cup of coffee.  I'm not sure I believe it but I'm willing to keep putting it to the test ;-)

Anyway, the thing is that I am not picky about my coffee.  I like it dark and black in a warm mug.  There is nothing more comforting than the feeling of a good, heavy, warm mug in your hands first thing in the morning or in the afternoon or all day long. The people who know me best know that I love a good mug.  I think I got three for my birthday this year.  Including my new favorite queen mug.  How can you pass up a mug that says "no-one can say no to the queen"?

The other thing about my caffeine habit is I really don't care what time it is.  I mean obviously there is a point, after work, where you switch from coffee to wine but outside of that, I can, and do, drink coffee all day every day.  I used to have this ridiculous rule that I had to stop drinking coffee and start drinking water at noon.  Then I realized that I am an adult and I can drink coffee all damn day if I want.  So I do.

I lovingly call Starbucks and Dutch Bros. "fru-fru coffee" because if I go there I never order just plain coffee. I have to order something special, with chocolate and whipped cream.  In the summer I get coconut, in the winter I get peppermint.  I recently discovered a brown sugar/cinnamon thing that has become my fall drink. Starbucks red cup day is practically a holiday in and of itself in my book. The issue with fru-fru coffee is that it seems to add to my waistline like nothing else that I eat or drink.  So, even though I don't limit my coffee intake I do have to limit my fru-fru coffee intake, otherwise I'll end up quite round. Fru-fru coffee is also pretty expensive.  I have a separate bank account that I call my coffee account. One percent of each paycheck goes into that account and I use it to buy coffee.  The perfect way to budget.

Alright, my cup is empty.  Time for a refill.

 

You Only Live Once - Or Do You?

My dad commented on some Facebook post of mine last week and said "It's funny how time works isn't it?" Time really is funny. You think that time should be constant and linear but it just isn't.  Sometimes things that happened years ago seem like yesterday and something happened last week seems like forever ago.  Which is kinda why I feel like the statement "You only live once" may not be entirely accurate.

Okay, so we only get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation which is an entirely different topic and post) but do we really only live one life?  Last night I went out to dinner with  my parents to a bar that I used to frequent on Saturday nights.  The server/bartender kept looking at us like maybe he knew us and the three of us felt the same about him.  Finally my dad just asked him if we knew him from someplace and he and I started talking about where we could know each other from.  I asked him how long he has worked at this bar.  He tells me that he worked Saturday nights about five to seven years ago.  I said that would have been about the time that I was in a lot and that I used to order Sex on The Beach with Malibu rum instead of vodka.  I watched the light bulb go off.  He says to me "I KNEW I recognized your laugh. That was a different life".

First off, how funny is that that he couldn't figure out where he knew me from until he heard my drink order? Second, if he thinks that was a different life for him imagine how I feel. Going out and ordering those drinks was certainly a catalyst to the end of my first marriage. Since then I have lived at least two more lives and am currently working on a third. I would also much rather have a beer than a Sex on the Beach :-)

I suppose they are technically "phases" of life. Changes that happen.  But they sure do feel like different lives. You feel like a different person while you a leading those lives. If you feel like a different person, and you grow and change while you are that person, does that mean that as you go through life, and you change, you are living a different life?  I know that I am certainly not living the life I was seven years ago or even six months ago.  I am very thankful for it too.

The hope and goal should be to live better lives as you get older and change.  Make sure that each life is better than the last one.  That you are a bigger, better, happier person.  Maybe then, when you finally settle on the life that you're going to keep living you will be able to look back on the culmination of all of your lives and know that you ended up exactly where you were supposed to.

What Does a Planner Do When They Can't Plan?

I have spent the last month or so writing positive blogs about positive things that make me feel good and turn me into a better person.  I truly believe everything that I have written.  I am genuinely becoming a more positive person.  But I know that I am also still very realistic.  I spent a lot of time trying to convince the second ex-husband that there is a difference between negativity and realism and I still believe that. Just because I'm being realistic does not mean that I am being negative.

We've established the fact that I am a planner and a control freak.  It's just part of my nature.  I wish that I could just sit back and let things happen.  I wish that I didn't worry about everything that could possibly happen.  I can't. But what does a control freak planner do when they can't plan?  Weird question I know. And really I know the answer. They drive themselves crazy planning for every possible scenario.

There's this weird place in life where you can't plan.  This place is called Limbo.  Limbo is this place where there is something HUGE that is completely out of your control that makes it impossible to plan.  There are always extenuating circumstances when it comes to planning, that's not Limbo. Limbo is the big thing that will either happen, or not, that will change your plan entirely if it does, or doesn't, happen.  When you have more than one things that puts you in Limbo it's that much worse.

So, when you are a planner, and Limbo is a place that you live, all you do is plan for every possible scenario. I'll admit that there are days where I can pretend that Limbo doesn't exist and just plan for what I want to happen.  Then there are days where the realism, end even the negativity, set in and make it impossible to breathe and all you want to do is cry, because you are stuck in Limbo and the control freak in you can't quite figure out what to do with that.  The control freak planner in you sits down and makes lists to help plan for plan A through plan Z.  Having that many plans and that many lists and knowing that you have possibly missed something makes you just a little crazy.

My friend Veronica would tell me right at this moment to calm the fuck down.  I try, but there are days where calming down is impossible, where is doesn't matter how hard I try I can't quite get outside of my head. I think everyone has days like that.  It's these days that I try and tell myself to just be patient.  As PJ will tell you "Patience is waiting without asking". The truth is you can't live in Limbo forever. Everything happens for a reason and works out the way it's supposed to.

That doesn't change the fact that Limbo is a bitch.

Just Say Yes!

This last weekend, as we all know, I spent in California doing all sorts of fun, amazing things for my birthday. I was shocked by how many things I have never done and how many things I was doing for the first time. I was also amazed at how hesitant I was to do something for the first time.  After last weekend I can now say I have had mimosas with lunch, shot a gun, been wine tasting, visited Palm Springs, ate fried pickles and cheese curds and driven a very large truck around Southern California. 

I suppose you could say I am very routine oriented.  I don't like it when my normal routine gets interrupted. I hate it when plans change.  Cancelled plans are okay, but last minute plan changes take me out of my comfort zone and give me anxiety (I guess that's just one more thing to add to the anxiety list). I feel, more and more, like I have a predisposition to say no, especially to things that make me uncomfortable.  I don't know why that is.  At what point did it become easier to say no than to say yes? I saw this quote from Tina Fey and thought "That's awesome. Just say yes and figure it out." Why not?  Usually things work out in the end.  I usually end up having fun when I say yes, even if it's to something that takes me out of my comfort zone.  

I think that I realized that I LOVE doing new things and experiencing things I have never done before.  My problem is that I don't like the feeling of uncertainty that I get when I say yes. My new found love for trying new things may have something to do with who I am experiencing new things with.  When you are with someone who can handle and understand your tendency to say no and then convince you that saying yes would be okay, it makes the experience ten times better.  My new goal is to say yes more often, get outside of my comfort zone and experience as much as I can while I can.  There is no reason to keep saying no. 

Taylor Effing Swift

Taylor Swift has always made me cringe.  I don't think she has a very good voice and I was always really pissed when she beat out legitimate singers at the CMA awards.  She was Entertainer of the Year like three years in a row.  The last time she was up for nomination I remember stating out loud that if she won I wasn't ever watching the CMA awards again.  There was some serious animosity.  I just felt that she was overrated and under-talented.

Then I saw her "I Knew You Were Trouble" performance on the AMA's and loved it.  I decided it was okay because I downloaded the dance remix and that meant that it wasn't really like I was listening to Taylor Swift.


It wasn't long after that performance that Tim McGraw released Highway Don't Care and who else but Taylor Effing Swift was on the track and I LOVED it! What. The. Hell.  How is this even possible?  Am I converting to a Taylor Swift fan?

PJ asked me to download her newest CD Red for him. So I did.  Then it started coming on when I would put all of my music on shuffle.  And now on days when I'm feeling a little spunky, or melancholy, or whatever I listen to the WHOLE DAMN ALBUM.  Alright, not the whole thing, I still hate "22" and "We're Never Getting Back Together".  But the songs "Come Back, Be Here", "Being Again", "Red", "Everything Has Changed" and heck just about every other song on the album are SO good in their ridiculous girlishness.

So, I can't deny it anymore.  Even though I wish I wasn't, I am a Taylor Swift fan.  Maybe I should start a support group.

Random Ramblings

The meaning behind your blog name -

Today is the last day of my 31 day blog challenge.  It seems really weird that it's been that long.  I love the way writing a blog everyday makes me feel.  At the same time it's a little odd to think that from here on out I am going to be on my own.  No more prompts to help me write.  Maybe I'll find another challenge to do.  I work best with structure.

I think that my blog name is pretty self explanatory.  I can be pretty random. I have a tendency to ramble about nothing in particular.  I am now officially "30 something" and my name is Rachel.

I hope that as I continue the Random Ramblings you will all continue to read and enjoy them.  And hey, if anyone thinks of a topic that I should ramble about, I would be happy to take the suggestion.

When I grow up I want to be

Your dream job -

I don't really know what my dream job is. I've tried and tried to figure it out.

When I was little I wanted to be an interior designer more than anything. I guess not just when I was little. All through middle and high school I was determined that I was go to be an interior designer. I got a scholarship to the Art Institute of Portland, went for one quarter and promptly quit. My full time job seemed more important than my degree. Then life happened. I got pregnant and married and gave up on the idea of getting a degree in anything and just worked to make ends meet.

Luckily I stumbled on property management eventually. It isn't my dream job by a long shot but I don't hate it and it allows me to lead a decent lifestyle, pay the bills and still have some left over to travel a little bit. I love the financial and numbers aspect of property management. If I didn't have to deal with people I think that it might be my dream job.

I guess maybe I'm past the point of needing to do my dream job. I'm to the point that I'm okay as long as I'm not miserable. I work so I can live. I think that maybe what I want to be when I grow up is happy. Happiness is much more important to me than what I do from nine to five. As long as what I do all day allows me to be happy when I'm not at work I think I'll be okay.

Writing Release

Why do you blog?

I've always been a writer.  Whether I think that other people need to read what I write or not is completely different.

Writing is the best way for me to get my feelings out and organize my thoughts.  That's why I make lists. When I'm upset with someone I write a letter.  When I'm upset in general I just start typing.  The process of putting your thoughts and feelings on paper and then rereading them is very cathartic.  It can help put all sorts of things into perspective.

I started this blog because I'm not going to school this quarter and I wanted to have something to do besides run PJ around and watch TV.  I liked the idea of doing a 31 day challenge.  Today is day 29 and I'm addicted.  It's amazing to me how many people have read my blog.  It's not just my mom!!!

Now that I'm addicted I think that I'll probably just keep doing it.  It makes me feel better and I like it.

Are you ready for some football?

Let's Talk Football

Recently I ran into a friend at the bar that gave me shit for going back to being a Seahawks football fan.  He suggested that I write a blog about why I am no longer a Detroit Lions fan and I thought it was a good idea. Plus it's much more interesting than my 5 favorite blogs which is what today's topic was supposed to be. 

Let's be VERY clear about something.  For my whole life, up until about 5 years ago, I was a Seahawks fan. I grew up in a house where football was a religion, almost as much as baseball, and the Seahawks were THE team.  My brother, always the rebel, was a Detroit Lions fan.  And although we gave him massive amounts of shit it was allowed. 

My first husband is a 49ers fan and tried to convert me the whole time we were married.  Hell, he still tries to convince me that I should switch.  I dated a guy who was a Raiders fan and still refused to be anything but a Seahawks fan.  I wasn't converting for anyone.  No way, no how. 

Then I got married a second time, to a Lions fan.  I don't know what it is about Lion's fans.  Maybe the devotion in the face of so many losses, their enthusiasm for a losing team is pretty amazing. Confronted with that enthusiasm from August through January, I chose to become a Lions fan.  

I had shirts, and hats, and sweatpants.  I bought things just because they were Honolulu blue. I watched as many games as I could and when I worked Sunday's I watched the play by play coverage online. I was a Lions fan. 

When this years football season started I swore I wasn't going to give  up my status as a Lions fan just because I wasn't married to a Lion fan anymore.  I was certain that even though there were no ties to Michigan anymore I was still going to be steadfast in my fandom.  

The problem was that every time I put on my sweats or my t-shirts or told someone I was a Lions fan I felt like I wasn't being true to me.  Suddenly, I felt like a traitor.  How dare I think that after 25 years of being a Seahawks fan I could continue to be a Lions fan after just 5.  

So I made the decision to go back to my roots.  It has nothing to do with statistics, who is winning or losing, the fact that I love the Seahawks neon green.  It has everything to do with being bound and determined to be true to myself and get back to who I am.  

It turns out; who I am is the 12th man. 

It's my birthday. I'll be happy if I want to.

The best thing to happen this year -

Today I am definitely starting like it's my birthday, because it is! I'm in warm and sunny California, with someone I love. I pretty much can't ask for a better birthday present than that.

Today's topic is about the best thing to happen this year.  This seemed like an appropriate topic for my birthday. When I look back on everything that has happened and changed since my birthday last year the list is long. I am nowhere close to where I was last year on my birthday and boy am I thankful for that.

In the past year I have met some amazing friends, made some huge life changes, adopted an old cat and proven that I can be self-sufficient.

However, if I had to choose one best thing for this year it is that finally, after 17 years, two marriages, and thousands of miles, I am ready for the one person who has always been able to calm my brain, accept me for who I am and make me feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  He no longer has to be my first love, or my favorite "what if" he get's to my my right now and will hopefully be my favorite thing, every year, for a long time.

So Happy Birthday to the older, wiser, happier and much more content me.

Success Rate of 100 Percent

A difficult time in your life -

I've had some difficult times, days that I forced myself to get out of bed, other days where I just stayed in bed.  However, I don't really want to discuss any of those times.  They are all behind me, and I'm not going that way.  I will say this, I've made it through, and survived and I will continue to.  When I get down and out I let myself wallow in self-pity for a bit, spend some time with my girls, get a pep talk from my guy and have a  glass of wine.  Then I remind myself of the following two things:

That's right. Like a boss. 

Make Yourself Proud

What is your proudest moment?

As a mom I feel like when talking about my proudest moment I should talk about PJ, something he did that made me proud, or how proud he makes me all the time.  However, this is my blog and although I am incredibly proud of PJ all the time, I don't feel like this question is asking when I was most proud of someone else.  I think that it's asking when I was most proud of myself.

I was really proud when I got my letter from Clark College saying that I had made the Dean's list.  That was a big deal because when you work full time, are a parent and have just left your husband, making the Dean's list is a big deal.  I still don't think that's my proudest moment.

My proudest moment is probably when I realized that I deserved better, in my life and in my marriage, and did something about it.  It feels weird to talk about a relationship that didn't work out.  It feels a lot like tattling, or talking about a person behind their back.  I guess if you're saying things that you would say to their face it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

The progression from married to ready to not be married was a long one.  I was married for four years to someone who didn't like me and tried to change me all the time.  I was married to someone who made me feel like I was never good enough at anything.  I didn't cook good enough, I was raising the kids wrong, I didn't communicate the right way.  It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried I wasn't ever going to be good enough.

I don't remember the exact date, or time, or which fight it was but the day came that I realized that it wasn't me.  I wasn't the one that wasn't good enough.  I am who I am and I changed who I was to try and be the person who was "good enough".  I wasn't happy with the person I turned in to.  And I certainly wasn't proud of that person.

The thing is that when I made the decision that I needed to figure out who I was and go back to who I am that is when the proverbial shit really hit the fan.  If I wasn't good enough before imagine the impact disagreeing and expressing my thoughts and feelings had on the situation.  I can remember fighting one night and thinking "I can't do this anymore.  I do not want to be this man's wife anymore".

So I wasn't.  I moved in with my mom and dad and started to pack my stuff.

I'm pretty sure that my proudest moment was the day that Mom, Paul, Lindsay and I moved all of my stuff into my apartment.  I was exhausted and I plopped down on my new sofa, looked around at MY apartment and thought "Wow, you really did it". I've been pretty proud of myself since.

The Exhaustion